I used to be driven. I used to have passion. I would work on a project from sun-up till sundown and even later sometimes. It was almost like an obsession. I couldn't wait to get started then drove myself to get as much of it done at one time as I could.
Then Parkinson's started to work its magic. I've lost that edge, that drive and the will to accomplish, well.... anything.
I find myself frequently unmotivated. Just willing to do the bare minimum to get through the day. Projects I used to love to do, like working on my 100-year-old house, do nothing to excite me like they used to. I have to will myself off the couch just to get started and easily could be convinced to sit idle and watch reruns on TV instead. Surprisingly, when I do manage to get going and accomplish something, I always feel better. You would think that would motivate me the next time, but sadly no.
At first I thought, along with the myriad of other symptoms of Parkinson's, I was falling into depression. Some studies suggest that 60% of people with Parkinson's experience mild to moderate depressive symptoms. I didn't feel depressed so my neurologist clarified this with a simple example. She described meeting with a couple where the wife was concerned that the husband was depressed. The wife stated the husband was unmotivated, didn't enjoy things anymore and basically wanted to sit on the couch all day. The neurologist turned to the husband and asked him how he felt. "I feel good" was the response. Her opinion: This would most likely be apathy, not depression. While not a clinical diagnosis, it certainly does help clarify the picture.
The best description of apathy and treatment options I've found is here.
Unfortunately, while there are many options available to treat depression, they are still trying to find the right combination that will treat apathy. And, as with most medications, you have to be careful of the potential side effects which rule out most of them for me.
While doing some research, I did stumble across yet another depressive symptom related to Parkinson's which I found interesting. Well, interesting to me because it explains what I'm feeling (or not) better than anything else I have ever found.
Anhedonia - the inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable
I have found over the years that I've been more and more of a 'what's next' kind of guy. When something good happens to me, like winning an award or finishing a big project all I can think of "okay, that's over, what's next?" It isn't that I'm unhappy that I accomplished something, there's just no sense of joy. The strange part is this seems to be a bigger problem for those around me than it is to me. I guess it should bother me more, but it doesn't. Hmm, indifference. Strike another one up for apathy.
I've said it several times now, this is a weird disease. At least it keeps me busy looking up new problems.
Some additional links on Apathy
Apathy vs depression here
Some non-medication tips for dealing with apathy here
Apathy and cognitive function here
Interesting study on apathy and other neuropsychiatric symptoms here
A little on anhedonia here
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